I Love (Complaining About) New York

Last Summer, I had the opportunity to live and work in New York City. I worked at one of the best startups in the city, SumAll, as a web developer/software engineer and thus got to experience a bit of the daily grind. As a dude from California with heavy biases towards the west, I have always wondered what might be so attractive about this gleaming heap of east-coastness. Well, I found out. It has some attractive stuff. It also has plenty of annoying things too. That’s what I’m going to complain about.

Mommy Escalator

Do you know how to ride an escalator? *Are you sure? Because NY doesn’t think you do. NY has escalators that repeatedly and obnoxiously yell instructions: “PLEASE HOLD ON TO THE HAND RAILS. PLEASE STAND TO THE SIDE TO LET BUSY ASSHOLES BY. PLEASE RESERVE GUN USE TILL AFTER YOUR ASCENSION. TAKE OUT YOUR BIBLE AND PRAY YOU MAKE IT UP.” I was really shocked, honestly. I’ve never encountered this before. Do people really have trouble using an escalator? It’s like being treated like a 5 year-old and I think that’s weird. If you can’t trust me to ride an escalator properly, then how can you trust me to do anything else really? Big Mamma New York being a cynical cockbag. Step off bitch, srsly! God knows, if I can figure out your poorly-documented subway system, I can navigate the esotericism of your normal-ass escalators.\

Subway “System”

One definition of “system” is “a set of principles or procedures according to which something is done; an organized scheme or method." The NY subway *system *is certainly extensive and you can go virtually anywhere…as long as you can figure it out. When you arrive at a platform, you’ll discover that you don’t just need to pay attention to the direction, but also the day of the week, the time (not because it’s not running), and if someone’s 8-Ball jacket has been dissed. Seriously, it’s like “Monday to Wednesday, 5-7pm, Direction Whateverthefuck, use the oppositite platform. Wednesday to Friday 12 to 3pm, Direction Whateverthefuck this platform EXCEPT every first and last Wednesday of the month. Weekends take a different train.” That’s like normal service. And then if there is some sort of construction or cleaning or 8-Ball taunting then you’ll have to look for the magical 8.5"x11” sheet of paper somewhere in the station that says you’ll have to take the F instead of the M to get to your Bushwick rooftop party. This is not organization, y’all.

Honking

Everybody poops, everybody honks. Are you at a stoplight and it’s red? Honk. Are you pissed that you have to follow the rules of the road? Honk. Did you just make a totally normal turn onto an empty street? Honk. Did rip a gnarly fart in your car and just fuck it all up? Gotta honk. Are you trolling for rides with your illegal taxi? Honk, man. Are pedestrians walking through your path during a red light which you can’t go through anyways? Honk. Are you feeling good. Just honk. Are you pissed at yourself for driving a car in Manhattan? Honk. Get it out. Honk to the beat of that Tiesto re-dub of Rhianna’s Anaconda! It’s poppin off in your car and we really want to hear about it on the street too!

Dirty, Stinky

It is. It really is. I thought San Francisco was bad with this, but NY takes the cake. People are narsty sometimes and there is a fuckload of them in NY. SF is probably winning the human shit competition though. Also unlike SF, there aren’t so many aggressive, heroin-addicted bums fucking and mumbling on your stoop — so that’s a plus.

Expensive as Fuck

This doesn’t really need any elaboration. Duh. I paid $1250 a month for a room without windows. Turns out, renting out rooms with no windows is illegal. Typical.

The City That Never Sleeps

It sleeps at 5am. It’s the law.

Techno/House Scene

It wants to be good, it wants to be good, but it just falls flat on its face. Output, which is the “Berghain” (so far from it, it pains me to write this) of New York, books some of the best talent in the industry. It has a great sound system. It has an amazing rooftop. Unfortunately, it attracts a nightmare crowd of shore-bro clubgoers and khaki pants. It costs $30. A large beer is $10. There are bathroom attendants that tell you which stall you can use. You can’t leave once you’re inside (but for some reason, you still get a stamp). You’re trapped. Fortunately, there are places like Bossa Nova Civic Club, which, although small and maybe a little trashy from certain perspectives, bring the music, the vibe, and the crowd. The US hasn’t historically been a great host of "overground"techno and house parties and NY is no exception.